It all started a year ago....

   My family and I went on a vacation to Colorado. I really wanted to share with them where I grew up. All was great until day 3 when we drove up the Big Thompson Canyon on our way to Estes Park where I lived from 5 through 16. As we drove I just couldn't believe how little the place had changed and it was like I was transported back in time. I remembered every turn and twist and even little points of interest that I used to daydream about as my parents would drive us when we were kids. It was weird. The final turn into Estes Valley is one of those things that catch you off guard because you have just spent the last 20 miles looking at canyon walls and the river, seems like thats all you expect to see. You make the corner and BAM you are hit in the face with a huge valley, lake and snow capped peaks. Wow! Alot of people told me that I would be surprised on how Estes has changed, I have to disagree. The mountains, trees and blue skies just don't change like buildings and streets. I think that the thing I missed most about that place is the terrain, I have daydreamed about it since we left in 1988. We stopped for a restroom break and while my family were inside the TacoBell I stood there in awe of how little it changed. All of a sudden I felt like a 16 yr. old hurt, lonely and mad at the fact that we had to leave this paradise. I literly would have wept and sobbed if my family had not come outside at that moment. We stayed in town for about 30 min. when I decided we needed to go on up to the National Park. We parked had lunch and explored and area where a flood had devastated the town and park in 1982. It look the same as it did in 88'. Every smell seemed so familiar and so we moved on our trek to Grand Lake. STOP! The truth of this story is that we planned to stay all day in Estes and walk around but I could not handle it and I played it off like we needed to move on to keep on schedule. I stuffed every bit of hurt and anger that I had down deep. All my feelings of rejection from people, the anger at my parents for taking me from my home, the memories of friends, fishing , the would of's, the should of's and the could have been's were coming up and I wanted to run. Run ,er um, move on -is what we did to a place I really did not have any memories-Grand Lake. The rest of our vacation we great (mostly cause I am a great stuffer) and we came home.

Fast forward.

Work has been more difficult than it has ever been. More jobs than ever, employees leaving without notice or making huge mistakes that cost alot of money, timelines blown, contractors not following up. You name it, it's been an issue. I feel overwhelmed and incapable of running a business that is getting so big. (at least bigger than the out of your truck type) The fact of the matter is I don't want to dissapoint anyone, I worry easily, I do what I say even if it kills me to do it and I expect others to do the same. On top of that, Nicole got a new job that has made us all miserable.

The Point of this long entry

One gift I have is to imagine things and play films in my mind about how to make something. I will play all these scenarios until I figure out the perfect way to go about building a project. This gift has a down side, I do it with my past situations when I am unhappy. I go through all kinds of memories trying to "fix" them or figure a way they would have worked out right.

So I am a stuffer, a runner, a filmmaker and life has been hard so I am unhappy. I started running the tapes last sunday night, looking on classmates to remember people from Colorado,Texas and any other relationships from the past. Working through the would of's and could of's over and over and over. The problem? I can't fix it, I can't go back and start over like a woodworking project. No, what's done is done. I am almost 35 and I am carrying around old luggage from half my life ago. I had this box of poetry, pics, newspaper clips and other assorted memories that I have kept and moved with me to every place I have ever lived. I realized that this box helps me to run the films and feeds the memories and hurts because I get it out from time to time to refresh the videos. Then I realized that I have a box in my heart that holds these same memories and I protect that box with all of my strength. I decided to share this with two friends this week. I decided to take my box of stuff and burn it with one of my friends, he had some stuff to burn as well. We sat there and burned each item and released those people, relationships, hurts, anger and pain to God. We prayed that God would heal us, take care of our memories, carry our burdens and forgive us for holding onto these things for so long. Its a hard thing to admit that I have so many worries, wishes and disappointments and when I look at it I think, "How did I get so burdened?". I feel like this is a waypoint in my life. I believe that I am in the process of grieving my precious(secret)box of junk.The good news is that I have not run and I shared stuff I couldn't until now.  I think there is hope for me yet.